Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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