life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
