so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
false alarm. still invincible.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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