ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
