Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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