Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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