I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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