He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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