Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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