mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
