i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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