My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
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At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
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He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
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