my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
