I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
