my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
