I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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