'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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