I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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