Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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