Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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