All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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