ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
