babies were throwing up all over the place
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
