he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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