"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have feelings that need drinking.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
