All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
