Sponge bath it is.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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