I could make wine with my vomit
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
