I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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