I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
