Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
