Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
