Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
