I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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