theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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