Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
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Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
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YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
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