and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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