I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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