mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
