It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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