I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
