Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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