There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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