I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
