so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
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I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
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I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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