Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
