your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
