Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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