We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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