i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
