I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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