Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
