First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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