Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
