The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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