dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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